Time for Rest

This afternoon I am allowing myself some rest time. Yesterday I battled a migraine. I went into work for a little while - in person, then did additional work from home. At some point I was so exhausted and sore I just had to stop and lie down for a while. I had kid chauffeuring to do and needed a break between. 

Today I had physical therapy. We tried traction. I think it helped, but I couldn't make it the 10 minutes we had planned. It started to get sore. After that they did ultrasound and massage. 

Since I got home, I am taking a break. A time out. My body feels sort of like "jello". I feel like I could very easily undo any good that I did in physical therapy. 

Oh, I also tripped over one of the cats today. I "almost" fell - which I think sometimes feels worse. I don't think that did me any good. "Boy cat" (we have one of each, boy and girl) was hanging out in my home office. He likes to stay close while I am working. I didn't know he was lying by my feet and when I turned to walk out he was here. It could have been worse...

Taking time to heal and relax, when there are so many other things I "should" be doing is so hard. I try not to feel guilty. I can't do anything properly until I am better. I have to put on my oxygen mask first. 

I am having a MRI if my back done on Saturday morning. 

Latest Updates on my Family:

>Thing 2 is doing well - healing and pain free after his arm surgery. We go next week to see the surgeon for a checkup. 

>My friend has her port in and starts chemo tomorrow (Thurs)

>Grandma has moved into a physical rehab facility where she will stay and heal for 8-12 weeks. They are taking great care of her so far. 

>Mom's surgery to remove the breast cancer is next week (Wednesday) - they will remove a lymph node for pathology. I am so thankful that her sister, my aunt, will be flying in for a week to be there. 

Sometimes you're the bug...

This week I've been feeling like the bug.  I've been fighting to stay optimistic.  I'm a glass half full girl.  Life is good.  When I sit calmly and use my logical brain, I know that I can get through this and it will all be OK.  Each thing going on is manageable.  The worst of it isn't mine to bear, but as my favorite guy has nicknamed me Deanna Troi (Star Trek reference if you don't know it), I absorb all the emotions of those around me, those close to me and have trouble separating them from those of my own.  My favorite guy needs a name for my blog.  I'm going to call him "Mr. Data" now.

So many medical issues. Where do I start?

THING 2 ARM SURGERY

Thing 2 had surgery this week.  He's fine.  He's recovering well.  He broke his arm, the surgery put him back together with some hardware so he can heal properly.  His pain is under control; he is back to school; he is doing really well.  But wow.  The stress of your kiddo going under anesthesia and needing surgery!  It's just made this week so crazy.

We even got x-rays to bring home of his fancy new hardware.

MY BACK ISSUES... BACK PAIN IS BACK

Then there is me.  My back.  Just under two years ago I had back surgery.  On Christmas Eve that just passed, I did something to my back again - I don't have a good story.  I have been thinking of making one up.  :)  But I was putting away dishes.  Mr. Data was helping with dishes and cooking chili.  I had a tupperware lid - I think I dropped it and bent over to get it.  Then POP!  And from then on, I was in pain.  Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were pretty horrible.  

I started rotating through all the things I knew from previous issues.  Icing, heating, stretching.  I bought a portable "TENS" type unit in the pharmacy section of the store to use electrical stimulation which always felt good at physical therapy.

Mr. Data and I made a delayed, shortened trip to Ohio to visit his family.  After the holidays, and days of taking it easy with my back, I was back to work.  I think sitting for work made my back worse again (after some improvement), so finally by the end of the first work week in January, I called to get an appointment with my primary care physician.  Of course this was the same week that we found out that Thing 2 needed surgery...

I made the appointment for the day after Thing 2 had surgery, as one person can't be everywhere at once.  The day of Thing 2's surgery was so very uncomfortable.  I stood or paced in the waiting room all day.  

At my primary care physician appointment, we decided on starting a steroid regiment, pain medicine, and physical therapy.  I started physical therapy on Wednesday.  I am back to the Physical Therapist that I saw 2 years ago when I had back issues.  She's great.  She's being very gentle.  She has assigned me "homework" that includes my lying on my belly with pillows on a bed every ~2 hours, so it's hard to work from anywhere else from home.  I went again on Friday and we decided to continue more of the same.  I go again M-W-F next week.  I'm supposed to limit lifting and not sit too long.

Today (Saturday) I went in for an x-ray.  It's on the path to getting an MRI. If the x-ray doesn't show anything, if PT doesn't help, then MRI is the next step.  Since I've already had a surgical history, my doctor is getting the x-ray done as part of the process.

MY MOM HAS CANCER AGAIN

My mom is a fighter.  Ovarian cancer in Spring 2010; breast cancer in Late Winter 2014.  Now breast cancer again.  It was diagnosed early due to how closely she is watched.  A spot was found and will be treated with a lumpectomy (surgery), followed by radition.  She will find out the details of when next week.  

MY DEAR FRIEND HAS HAD A RETURN OF CERVICAL CANCER

A close friend of mine was diagonosed with cervical cancer in late 2009 and had surgery to remove it at the start of 2010.  Now 5 years later, thanks to an unrelated scan, doctors found that she had enlarged lymph nodes, which led to pathology determining that cervical cancer had returned and entered her lymph system.  She starts chemotherapy next week to fight back.

MY NONAGENARIAN GRANDMA IS A FIGHTER

My grandma is 94, will be 95 this summer.  She's an amazing lady.  She made it through a case of pneumonia between Thanksgiving and Christmas that had her hospitalized.  Then they found something in her lung that they didn't thing was pneumonia at a follow up x-ray, sent her for CT scan, but determined it was actually still some pneumonia (which was actually a relief).  While waiting for CT scan results, Grandma got disoriented when she got out of bed and fell.  The ambulance was called.  Grandma fractured her pelvis.  She will be in the hospital for a few days, then has recovery ahead of her.

MY SISTER-IN-LAW'S MOM HAS ALZHEIMER'S

She's only in her mid-60s.  It started with irregularites in her financial dealings.  Then moved to a 3 AM call to my sister-in-law that she had been driving, was lost, and out of gas.  Multiple doctors' appointments have confirmed the diagnosis.  She is living with my brother and sister-in-law much of the time.  They are working through the details of her home and pets... making decisions about daily care.  It's so heartbreaking.

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I don't have a lot of wisdom for today.  I just don't have the energy.  I am thankful for the medical advances that we have made, for all the treatment options available today.  For the amazing medical professionals who touch our lives.  

Please pray for all of these amazing women and my little man.  

Finding HIM in our December Panic

Anyone else already have a little bit of "December panic"?  I had to just take a moment at my desk and breathe.  Funny how we turn a month of celebrating our Savior's birth and giving to others into something that can breed panic in all of us!  Thing 1 has a play next week.  I'm so proud of her, and she's having a blast... but 5 performances next week in the midst of a crazy week at work, plus she has solo & ensemble contest for band. And oh! a talent show coming up that she just auditioned for.  Thing 2 has basketball, and jump rope club, and science club - which aren't much but just this next week... might just throw me over the edge.  I have referred to being Supermom before, but really, someone get me a cape for the next couple weeks!

I haven't blogged for a while, so throw this all in with other life - Mr R. and I are ending our marriage.  That is not the point of this blog, but it affects my state of mind.  I am determined to stay a part of Mr. T's life.

So you throw in all of that (on a good note, I am in a much better place than I have been for a while - the kids and I moved in with my brother and niece... they are going to need names... I'll have to ponder that) and life is good, it really is.  But I look ahead at that BIG day - Christmas - it's coming behind all of this craziness.  There are expectations, and shopping, and things that require money, which honestly is a little hard to come by right now...

As I took a moment to just breathe sitting here at my desk this morning when I should be working, but instead I am just trying to calm down and focus.  This came to mind.

It is SO true as long as we take the time to remember it... and LIVE it... and keep our priorities straight.  What is the reason for the season?  Keep remembering that.  

This morning when I got to work, I saw a coworker who has been obviously stressed this week.  I stopped and took the time to listen, and think about how I could be a blessing to her today.  She needed french vanilla creamer.  THAT is something I could do.  I couldn't fix the stress of the job or all the things that she is feeling, but I could do that.  What could you do to be a blessing for someone else.  And then I also decided since I still wasn't calming down, that I was going to write - because maybe someone else needed to read this today.

Then this came to mind.

Be still.  Find a moment, or several minutes, or an hour.  And just be.  Listen to HIM. What is HE saying to you.  And just calm down in all of this "hustle and bustle".

For the first time, I'm feeling led to end my blog with a prayer.  May all of my words be a blessing to you today.

Dear Lord, I know I can never be a Supermom, but I can be the best mom, and woman that YOU made me to be.  In order to do that I need to take care of ME, YOUR creation.  Help me to find ways and help me to take time to do that and not let the world control me.  The birth of Your Son is coming!  What a celebration!  Let me not forget THAT is why this is a month of joy and love.  Not because we are busy and buy presents.  In His Name.  Amen.

Mommy Brain

I would dance and be merry

Life would be a ding-a-derry

If I only had a brain

I am so relieved that it's the weekend.  I haven't been so ready for the weekend in quite a while.  Especially a weekend that I don't have my kids.  I have been in a job for the last 2 1/2 months now that I really truly enjoy; a job that is fulfilling and rewarding.  

Why was I so ready for this weekend?  

This last week my mind was a complete jumbled mess!!  I felt frazzled, unfocused.  I felt like I was forgetting something; like I was late for something, even if I wasn't.

How did this happen?  One big reason... school started!  

No surprise here, right?  This is what happens in Michigan the day after Labor Day.  I am mother to a 12 year old and a 9 year old.  Thing 1 is going into 7th and Thing 2 into 4th grade.  Even my step-son, Mr. T decided to head back into college.  Back to school is a time for celebration for parents, right?  No more bored kids; back to the routine of school.  

However, I have this theory about "mommy brain". This may apply to daddies too.  

From the moment you become a mom, you have complete and total responsibility for another human life.  Suddenly part of your brain now switches over to only thinking about that other little human.  That brain power is no longer available for anything else.  When Thing 1 was an infant, the thoughts were about feedings and diapers and growing and "is she still breathing in the night?".  Now that Thing 1 is in middle school, the thoughts change to concerns about how she is interacting in the world and how others are interacting with her - and "is she safe?" - not to mention less life altering, but still important concerns about school supplies and activities and pick ups...  then similar concerns are swirling about Thing 2.  Not to mention what is going on in my brain about Mr T starting back to college.

Think about it like a computer.  Have you every had a computer running really slow, and then you find out that you have a program running in the background that you didn't need?  If you could shut down that background program, the computer would run faster and more efficiently.  In the case of mommy brain, I know no way of shutting down that background program.  It is a mom's brain thinking about her children.  

So back to my week.  

It was only a four day week.  Somehow I think that there were 5 days of meetings jammed into those 4 days.  My work days were non stop.  No breathing room.  I felt like I was running late for everything, even when I wasn't.  Plus, it was the last week for my summer intern.  I had to make sure all his projects were handed off, that I finished his performance review and delivered it, that he had all the help he needed for his final presentations.

And school started!  So now the mommy brain kicked in in like crazy along with my busy work week.  Did I get all their school supplies?  Did Thing 1 make it to the bus?  Did Thing 2 look both ways crossing all the streets on his bike?  Are they both being respectful? Are they making friends and finding friends from before?  Is Thing 1 finding her classes?  Did they make it home from school OK? What extra-curricular activities should they be doing?  Do they start this week? 

The good news is that this school year will become routine just like years past.  The chaos of my mommy brain will calm down.  Not every week at work will be as busy.  

So I take this weekend to recharge and rest.  To make some time for me.  And Monday?  I will start again.  

Trying to explain what is going on in my head

I have been working on finding words for what is going on in my head.  Why is it so hard for me to be around people, especially if they aren't in my "safe" people.  I don't know why there are a few people that make my feel safe, but there are and I am so thankful for them.  You probably know who you are because you have seen me or heard from me...

I have always been a "people person".  I don't know how many times I have come home from a trip out to a store or other public place with a story of how someone just told me something very personal.  A stranger.  For no apparent reason.  I think it's because I always SEE other people.  I look at them.  I smile.  I don't have the blinders on.  I start conversations with cashiers.  When someone else is being rude, I work harder at being pleasant.  When I see someone that looks like they are having a rough day, I smile and acknowledge their hard work.  It's amazing sometimes how just that little effort can improve someone else's mood.  I like improving other people's mood.  And therein lies part of the problem I think.

I like making people happy.


Lately, when I go out into the world, I observe people like I always have.  I hear what's going on around me.  I take it all in.  But it's like there is a filter missing.  Or a volume control that's not working. I take it ALL in.  And I can't control any of it.  I want to make everyone happy, but I can't make everyone happy.  I want everyone to like me, but I can't make everyone like me.  I want to know what everyone is saying, but I don't want to know what they are saying.  I don't want anyone to look at me, but they might look at me.  It's like someone climbed into my head and messed with all the settings on the sound board.


I was trying to have a conversation today with one person.  There were 4 of us in the room.  I thought I heard my name said in the conversation with the other 2 people.  It distracted me.  Then it totally derailed my train of thought and it took me quite some time to get back on track and figure out what I was saying and I had to apologize.  My brain is catching everything and can't categorize it properly and then I am reacting slower.

Like when I'm tired, but it's like this all the time.

I did well at the coffee shop today.  I practically yanked Mr. T out of bed (hey, it WAS the afternoon and he SHOULD be up, right?) and took him with me to meet up with a very wonderful friend of mine.  I almost backed out.  But then she posted her blog and I read her latest adventures and remembered that I missed her and how it would be great to see her.  And I realized BOTH Mr. T and I needed to get out the house.  Mr. R was out running errands.  I sat at the table with Mr. T and my friend and we talked.  I also had my electronics with me.  So I was busy.  And focused.  The entire time.  Focused outward, but on a manageable level.  Just two people.  Two safe people.  That understand.

I am getting better.  I am laughing a lot more and smiling more.  I am climbing out of the depression, but apparently I got so far down and all the medicine issues all did things to my brain that are taking time to heal.

I got a very nice "talking to" from another good friend.  She told me that I need to be nice to myself.  I think everyone seems to be in agreement on that.  So I am trying.  The clothes I purchased on my trip home helped.  Having clothes that fit help.

I met with my psychiatrist on Friday.  I have met with the nurse practitioner in the past, this time I saw the MD.  He was very easy to talk to.  He wants me to continue on the same anti-depressant for another two weeks an continue to see how I do.  After that we might increase the dosage.  Another option would be adding a second medication, but he doesn't want me on any more medications than I have to be.  We changed my temporary "emergency anti-anxiety" medication to Xanax 0.5mg.  The psychiatrist said that it was less likely to make me drowsy.

I tried the Xanax when meeting my BFF for lunch this week.  I was having anxiety before going into the restaurant so I thought I'd see how well it worked.  It seemed to work.  I was calm.  But again, I was with a safe person and focused on just that conversation and we were in a quieter corner of the restaurant.  After lunch I came home and crashed on the couch.  I guess it still made me sleepy just like the last one.  Unfortunately, I slept right through my appointment with my family physician.  So now that is next week.

The other thing the psychiatrist "prescribed" me was books.  "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy"  by David Burns, MD, along with the associated workbook.  They arrived from Amazon and perhaps learning from those will be included in future blogs.