If I broke it, then I can fix it

It is so easy for me to feel defeated.  I watched an episode of Euphoria and decided I couldn't handle that much reality, but I took away a good quote: "Sometimes it helps to feel like it's your fault, because then it feels like you have control.  If I broke it, then I can fix it."  That's where I'm living right now, at this moment.  How did I break my kids?  When did I fail as a parent?  That's really not the issue and I'm being very selfish to say that is what's happening.  I want more control so I'm taking the blame.  That makes total sense.  I have to stop thinking I am in control of this situation and realize that while I influence the situation, I do not make the choices.

Let me back up.

This fall started Thing 1's senior year and Thing 2's freshman year.  I had such high expectations for this school year.  Thing 2 had been doing well the last two years at his school - a small local charter school.  He was getting to school every day, he was doing <most> of his school work and getting some good grades.  English has always been a challenge for him and he still didn't do well in that last year, but I had hopes that he could keep improving.  Thing 1 has big dreams for college and her future.

Both kids hit some big hurdles in the spring.  Thing 1 had some major challenges with anxiety and depression.  She had to essentially take medical leave from school and medically withdraw from some of her classes.  However, her summer was amazing.  She was brave and traveled to so many places that will be huge for her future growth.  Thing 2 ran into some issues at school in the spring - made some very bad choices in and out of school, but we worked through them (I thought) and he made better choices all summer - even went to his dad's house for nearly 3 weeks at one point.  His school announced it was closing permanently and we enrolled him in the same school with Thing 1 for the fall.

School started well.  Thing 1 and Thing 2 rode to school together.  Then the kids hit a sort of wall.

Both kids started getting migraines.  Thing 2 started refusing to go to school.

We switched Thing 2 to an alternate high school in town at the start of October.

Thing 1 missed band performances and so much school.  Thing 2 started having so many missed days that he was facing truancy issues.

Both kids went to see a pediatric neurologist at the end of October.

Thing 1 has started to get her medicine worked out to help migraines.
Thing 2 can't take the same medicine due to his age.  He is being schedule for more testing to figure out what might be causing his migraines.

Thing 1 started to go into a depression due to the amount of missed school, the impact on her grades of missed assignments, the pressure of what that might due to her college plans, the situation at home with Thing 2 and the conflict that has come from that - how it could end up with Thing 2 going to court and all the fights she's had to witness accordingly.  Thing 1's counselor relocated out of state and she just started with a new counselor.  Thing 2 has been refusing to go and visit Thing 1 & 2's dad and that upsets Thing 1.  Also we just got a dog and Thing 2 hasn't been helping out like he promised Thing 1 that he would.  Thing 1 has been holding in a lot of anger and frustration and it's showing up as depression.  Thing 1 made plans to take her own life last week, thankfully she stopped herself and told me.  She is working with her psychiatrist and counselor and trying to get back in the swing of school.

Thing 2 continues to have migraines.  On the days he doesn't have migraines, he struggles to get to school.  He went to school on Friday, however, he sat in my car for 45 minutes before he would get out and go in to the school.  He was shaking and tearing up due to anxiety.  He finally went in.  He goes to the school for 3 classes and then does 2 classes online.  He hasn't been completing his online work like he should.  This afternoon we have a meeting, which I set up, with a youth intervention specialist at the courthouse so she can explain to Thing 2 the consequences of not going to school.  Thing 2 has been told these consequences many times, but I want him to hear it from someone that he might believe.  He is maybe 1 missed day from ended up in court and getting truancy consequences.

Thing 2 is getting a sleep study this weekend and a MRI next week for his migraines.  He also needs to go in for blood work, and based on his annual physical, I'm supposed to work with him on increasing activity and improving his eating (reducing portion sizes, limiting junk food).

Due to all of this going on, and my own history of depression (and some anxiety), I stopped working on October 11th.  I thought maybe I'd be able to go back to work November 1st and here it is November 12th and I have no idea when I might get to work again.

I cannot imagine being able to work right now.  My days are filled with doctors appointments, phone calls, ER trips, taking care of kids that aren't at school, trying to keep myself calm.  This week I have my own counseling appointment plus my own annual physical on top of everything else.  Plus the kids have dentist appointments along with their weekly counseling appointments, etc.  And currently we aren't letting Thing 1 drive herself, because we aren't sure it's safe for her.  So this week that will be driving two kids back and forth to school, 3 counseling appointments, 1 ER visit, 1 meeting at the court, 1 primary care physician appointment, 1 dentist appointment, 2 band practices, and 1 overnight sleep study.  That's just this week.

I'm trying to tell myself that I'm doing the best I can helping my kids get better from health issues.  It's so much harder to believe that in my own head.  However, I will tell my kids that out loud over and over and sound so convincing.  Migraines and mental health - they are both issues that happen in the brain, which is the most complicated organ we have.  Somehow we also let ourselves believe that mean that we should be able to fix it by just deciding we are better.

Personally, I'm so weary.  I'm trying so hard to make sure that we keep our house "happy".  Mr. P is new to all of this teenage life.  I'm trying to be a buffer for him from this and let him keep his routines that are so important to him.  He is completely supportive of me taking this time off work.  He is the steadiest, calmest person I've ever had the honor of sharing my life with.  Adding the dog was an idea I had to try and help the kids with their anxiety - but dogs are more work, and with the kids having health issues that I could have never predicted, I've ended up with more than my share of time with the dog.  Sometimes I get so worried that the dog will bother Mr. P - probably unreasonably so.  But he never wanted any pets.  That's "my" thing. 

I'm weary of spending all day every day worrying about the kids.  Will one of them have a migraine?  How will I handle it (specifically: which medicines, do I need to call a doctor, can we handle it at home today, do I have the right medical excuse for school, have I let them sleep enough, did I wake them before they slept too much)?  Will Thing 2 refuse to go to school today?  Will today be the day that triggers a court proceeding?  If so, what will the punishment be?  Will I lose custody?  Is that the right choice? Would he do better with his dad for a while?  If he has to deal with juvenile detention, will they handle his migraines?  Can I still take him for the rest of his testing?  Will Thing 1 be depressed?  Is she going to hurt herself?  Will she actually tell me if she has that thought again?  Did I make the right choice to push whichever kid to go do whatever thing?  Did I make the right choice to allow whichever kid to stay home?  Then we get to a weekend and then I am thinking about Thing 2 and how he keeps refusing to go to his dad's house... I wish he would go so I could stop worrying about him for a weekend, but then I worry about why he won't go... I think about all of the energy I'm going to spend to TRY and get him to go and it will probably be for nothing, so I am starting to dread those Fridays - I know I'll spend all my time with Thing 2 reminding him about his dad's, then the entire evening working to get him to leave and arguing and coaxing.

When I have a some quiet time to myself like I do right now, I just sit and wonder what I've forgotten to do.  Did I get the school absences excused?  Did I call to make all the appointments? 

I also sit and try to figure out how to get Thing 1 and Thing 2 back into any sort of routines.

Can I get Thing 2 to volunteer somewhere?  He's literally down to 1 friend in real life.  He says he has friends online but I don't really know - are they real friends?  I just don't understand how that works. 

Thing 1 has been hesitant to go to any of her activities and I need to encourage her as well.

Where does that leave me?  I have been neglecting all but my very closest people.  I am lonely, but I also have almost no energy left for anyone.  It's so hard to explain to anyone why I'm hard to reach, why I don't have anything to talk about, yet I'm so intensely busy. 

Mr. P has been traveling a lot for work so I'm not sure he's even up to date on all that's going on.  I'm thankful for text so I can tell him a few things here and there.

Right now due to the dogs and the kids, I cannot imagine leaving the house for more than a couple hours.

I try to imagine how there is going to be a day in the future where this is going to seem like a blip on the radar.  I keep telling myself that no one is dying or dead, no one is in jail or prison, no one is pregnant.  <yet?>  This too shall pass.

Ultimately, I didn't break anything.  These things happened.  We have to face them head on, but I can't control most of it.  I can control how I react, which is what I'm trying really hard to do.  On Friday, I went to both kids and said that no one was spending the day in bed.  I took their phones.  I made them get up.  Thing 2 went to school.  It was really hard for him.  I had to have a lot of patience (45 minutes in the parking lot worth).  Thing 1 asked to go and visit her little cousin which helped her spirits.  Today I looked Thing 1 in the eyes and reminded her she COULD make it to school, and reminded her of her safe places at school. 

I have to keep reminding myself, that even though I have migraines and anxiety and depression, I didn't break my kids. 

I need to stop living in guilt.  I need to let go of anger.  I need to also stop trying to protect everyone in the house.  People that live here are actually all choosing to be here, living with me.  Honestly, every single person here has options.  Mr. P chose this life.  Eyes wide open.  The kids have another parent.  Thing 2 could go there on a regular basis and doesn't.  Thing 1 can drive and could leave this house more often and doesn't. 

It's really hard for me to not work as I've been the primary income earner, mostly the ONLY income earner for the kids and I our entire lives together.  I'm having a really hard time calming down and truly believing that we won't "starve".  Logically, I know we won't. Emotionally, I don't believe it. 

"If I broke it, then I can fix it" is so selfish.  I need to truly practice what I preach about mental health, about migraines, about trusting people in our lives to help us. 

Sharing this is going to be a big step towards that trust.