Trying to explain what is going on in my head

I have been working on finding words for what is going on in my head.  Why is it so hard for me to be around people, especially if they aren't in my "safe" people.  I don't know why there are a few people that make my feel safe, but there are and I am so thankful for them.  You probably know who you are because you have seen me or heard from me...

I have always been a "people person".  I don't know how many times I have come home from a trip out to a store or other public place with a story of how someone just told me something very personal.  A stranger.  For no apparent reason.  I think it's because I always SEE other people.  I look at them.  I smile.  I don't have the blinders on.  I start conversations with cashiers.  When someone else is being rude, I work harder at being pleasant.  When I see someone that looks like they are having a rough day, I smile and acknowledge their hard work.  It's amazing sometimes how just that little effort can improve someone else's mood.  I like improving other people's mood.  And therein lies part of the problem I think.

I like making people happy.


Lately, when I go out into the world, I observe people like I always have.  I hear what's going on around me.  I take it all in.  But it's like there is a filter missing.  Or a volume control that's not working. I take it ALL in.  And I can't control any of it.  I want to make everyone happy, but I can't make everyone happy.  I want everyone to like me, but I can't make everyone like me.  I want to know what everyone is saying, but I don't want to know what they are saying.  I don't want anyone to look at me, but they might look at me.  It's like someone climbed into my head and messed with all the settings on the sound board.


I was trying to have a conversation today with one person.  There were 4 of us in the room.  I thought I heard my name said in the conversation with the other 2 people.  It distracted me.  Then it totally derailed my train of thought and it took me quite some time to get back on track and figure out what I was saying and I had to apologize.  My brain is catching everything and can't categorize it properly and then I am reacting slower.

Like when I'm tired, but it's like this all the time.

I did well at the coffee shop today.  I practically yanked Mr. T out of bed (hey, it WAS the afternoon and he SHOULD be up, right?) and took him with me to meet up with a very wonderful friend of mine.  I almost backed out.  But then she posted her blog and I read her latest adventures and remembered that I missed her and how it would be great to see her.  And I realized BOTH Mr. T and I needed to get out the house.  Mr. R was out running errands.  I sat at the table with Mr. T and my friend and we talked.  I also had my electronics with me.  So I was busy.  And focused.  The entire time.  Focused outward, but on a manageable level.  Just two people.  Two safe people.  That understand.

I am getting better.  I am laughing a lot more and smiling more.  I am climbing out of the depression, but apparently I got so far down and all the medicine issues all did things to my brain that are taking time to heal.

I got a very nice "talking to" from another good friend.  She told me that I need to be nice to myself.  I think everyone seems to be in agreement on that.  So I am trying.  The clothes I purchased on my trip home helped.  Having clothes that fit help.

I met with my psychiatrist on Friday.  I have met with the nurse practitioner in the past, this time I saw the MD.  He was very easy to talk to.  He wants me to continue on the same anti-depressant for another two weeks an continue to see how I do.  After that we might increase the dosage.  Another option would be adding a second medication, but he doesn't want me on any more medications than I have to be.  We changed my temporary "emergency anti-anxiety" medication to Xanax 0.5mg.  The psychiatrist said that it was less likely to make me drowsy.

I tried the Xanax when meeting my BFF for lunch this week.  I was having anxiety before going into the restaurant so I thought I'd see how well it worked.  It seemed to work.  I was calm.  But again, I was with a safe person and focused on just that conversation and we were in a quieter corner of the restaurant.  After lunch I came home and crashed on the couch.  I guess it still made me sleepy just like the last one.  Unfortunately, I slept right through my appointment with my family physician.  So now that is next week.

The other thing the psychiatrist "prescribed" me was books.  "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy"  by David Burns, MD, along with the associated workbook.  They arrived from Amazon and perhaps learning from those will be included in future blogs.