I have always been a "people person". I don't know how many times I have come home from a trip out to a store or other public place with a story of how someone just told me something very personal. A stranger. For no apparent reason. I think it's because I always SEE other people. I look at them. I smile. I don't have the blinders on. I start conversations with cashiers. When someone else is being rude, I work harder at being pleasant. When I see someone that looks like they are having a rough day, I smile and acknowledge their hard work. It's amazing sometimes how just that little effort can improve someone else's mood. I like improving other people's mood. And therein lies part of the problem I think.I like making people happy.
Lately, when I go out into the world, I observe people like I always have. I hear what's going on around me. I take it all in. But it's like there is a filter missing. Or a volume control that's not working. I take it ALL in. And I can't control any of it. I want to make everyone happy, but I can't make everyone happy. I want everyone to like me, but I can't make everyone like me. I want to know what everyone is saying, but I don't want to know what they are saying. I don't want anyone to look at me, but they might look at me. It's like someone climbed into my head and messed with all the settings on the sound board. I was trying to have a conversation today with one person. There were 4 of us in the room. I thought I heard my name said in the conversation with the other 2 people. It distracted me. Then it totally derailed my train of thought and it took me quite some time to get back on track and figure out what I was saying and I had to apologize. My brain is catching everything and can't categorize it properly and then I am reacting slower.
Like when I'm tired, but it's like this all the time.
I did well at the coffee shop today. I practically yanked Mr. T out of bed (hey, it WAS the afternoon and he SHOULD be up, right?) and took him with me to meet up with a very wonderful friend of mine. I almost backed out. But then she posted her blog and I read her latest adventures and remembered that I missed her and how it would be great to see her. And I realized BOTH Mr. T and I needed to get out the house. Mr. R was out running errands. I sat at the table with Mr. T and my friend and we talked. I also had my electronics with me. So I was busy. And focused. The entire time. Focused outward, but on a manageable level. Just two people. Two safe people. That understand.
I am getting better. I am laughing a lot more and smiling more. I am climbing out of the depression, but apparently I got so far down and all the medicine issues all did things to my brain that are taking time to heal.
I got a very nice "talking to" from another good friend. She told me that I need to be nice to myself. I think everyone seems to be in agreement on that. So I am trying. The clothes I purchased on my trip home helped. Having clothes that fit help.
I met with my psychiatrist on Friday. I have met with the nurse practitioner in the past, this time I saw the MD. He was very easy to talk to. He wants me to continue on the same anti-depressant for another two weeks an continue to see how I do. After that we might increase the dosage. Another option would be adding a second medication, but he doesn't want me on any more medications than I have to be. We changed my temporary "emergency anti-anxiety" medication to Xanax 0.5mg. The psychiatrist said that it was less likely to make me drowsy.
I tried the Xanax when meeting my BFF for lunch this week. I was having anxiety before going into the restaurant so I thought I'd see how well it worked. It seemed to work. I was calm. But again, I was with a safe person and focused on just that conversation and we were in a quieter corner of the restaurant. After lunch I came home and crashed on the couch. I guess it still made me sleepy just like the last one. Unfortunately, I slept right through my appointment with my family physician. So now that is next week.
The other thing the psychiatrist "prescribed" me was books. "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns, MD, along with the associated workbook. They arrived from Amazon and perhaps learning from those will be included in future blogs.
