If I broke it, then I can fix it

It is so easy for me to feel defeated.  I watched an episode of Euphoria and decided I couldn't handle that much reality, but I took away a good quote: "Sometimes it helps to feel like it's your fault, because then it feels like you have control.  If I broke it, then I can fix it."  That's where I'm living right now, at this moment.  How did I break my kids?  When did I fail as a parent?  That's really not the issue and I'm being very selfish to say that is what's happening.  I want more control so I'm taking the blame.  That makes total sense.  I have to stop thinking I am in control of this situation and realize that while I influence the situation, I do not make the choices.

Let me back up.

This fall started Thing 1's senior year and Thing 2's freshman year.  I had such high expectations for this school year.  Thing 2 had been doing well the last two years at his school - a small local charter school.  He was getting to school every day, he was doing <most> of his school work and getting some good grades.  English has always been a challenge for him and he still didn't do well in that last year, but I had hopes that he could keep improving.  Thing 1 has big dreams for college and her future.

Both kids hit some big hurdles in the spring.  Thing 1 had some major challenges with anxiety and depression.  She had to essentially take medical leave from school and medically withdraw from some of her classes.  However, her summer was amazing.  She was brave and traveled to so many places that will be huge for her future growth.  Thing 2 ran into some issues at school in the spring - made some very bad choices in and out of school, but we worked through them (I thought) and he made better choices all summer - even went to his dad's house for nearly 3 weeks at one point.  His school announced it was closing permanently and we enrolled him in the same school with Thing 1 for the fall.

School started well.  Thing 1 and Thing 2 rode to school together.  Then the kids hit a sort of wall.

Both kids started getting migraines.  Thing 2 started refusing to go to school.

We switched Thing 2 to an alternate high school in town at the start of October.

Thing 1 missed band performances and so much school.  Thing 2 started having so many missed days that he was facing truancy issues.

Both kids went to see a pediatric neurologist at the end of October.

Thing 1 has started to get her medicine worked out to help migraines.
Thing 2 can't take the same medicine due to his age.  He is being schedule for more testing to figure out what might be causing his migraines.

Thing 1 started to go into a depression due to the amount of missed school, the impact on her grades of missed assignments, the pressure of what that might due to her college plans, the situation at home with Thing 2 and the conflict that has come from that - how it could end up with Thing 2 going to court and all the fights she's had to witness accordingly.  Thing 1's counselor relocated out of state and she just started with a new counselor.  Thing 2 has been refusing to go and visit Thing 1 & 2's dad and that upsets Thing 1.  Also we just got a dog and Thing 2 hasn't been helping out like he promised Thing 1 that he would.  Thing 1 has been holding in a lot of anger and frustration and it's showing up as depression.  Thing 1 made plans to take her own life last week, thankfully she stopped herself and told me.  She is working with her psychiatrist and counselor and trying to get back in the swing of school.

Thing 2 continues to have migraines.  On the days he doesn't have migraines, he struggles to get to school.  He went to school on Friday, however, he sat in my car for 45 minutes before he would get out and go in to the school.  He was shaking and tearing up due to anxiety.  He finally went in.  He goes to the school for 3 classes and then does 2 classes online.  He hasn't been completing his online work like he should.  This afternoon we have a meeting, which I set up, with a youth intervention specialist at the courthouse so she can explain to Thing 2 the consequences of not going to school.  Thing 2 has been told these consequences many times, but I want him to hear it from someone that he might believe.  He is maybe 1 missed day from ended up in court and getting truancy consequences.

Thing 2 is getting a sleep study this weekend and a MRI next week for his migraines.  He also needs to go in for blood work, and based on his annual physical, I'm supposed to work with him on increasing activity and improving his eating (reducing portion sizes, limiting junk food).

Due to all of this going on, and my own history of depression (and some anxiety), I stopped working on October 11th.  I thought maybe I'd be able to go back to work November 1st and here it is November 12th and I have no idea when I might get to work again.

I cannot imagine being able to work right now.  My days are filled with doctors appointments, phone calls, ER trips, taking care of kids that aren't at school, trying to keep myself calm.  This week I have my own counseling appointment plus my own annual physical on top of everything else.  Plus the kids have dentist appointments along with their weekly counseling appointments, etc.  And currently we aren't letting Thing 1 drive herself, because we aren't sure it's safe for her.  So this week that will be driving two kids back and forth to school, 3 counseling appointments, 1 ER visit, 1 meeting at the court, 1 primary care physician appointment, 1 dentist appointment, 2 band practices, and 1 overnight sleep study.  That's just this week.

I'm trying to tell myself that I'm doing the best I can helping my kids get better from health issues.  It's so much harder to believe that in my own head.  However, I will tell my kids that out loud over and over and sound so convincing.  Migraines and mental health - they are both issues that happen in the brain, which is the most complicated organ we have.  Somehow we also let ourselves believe that mean that we should be able to fix it by just deciding we are better.

Personally, I'm so weary.  I'm trying so hard to make sure that we keep our house "happy".  Mr. P is new to all of this teenage life.  I'm trying to be a buffer for him from this and let him keep his routines that are so important to him.  He is completely supportive of me taking this time off work.  He is the steadiest, calmest person I've ever had the honor of sharing my life with.  Adding the dog was an idea I had to try and help the kids with their anxiety - but dogs are more work, and with the kids having health issues that I could have never predicted, I've ended up with more than my share of time with the dog.  Sometimes I get so worried that the dog will bother Mr. P - probably unreasonably so.  But he never wanted any pets.  That's "my" thing. 

I'm weary of spending all day every day worrying about the kids.  Will one of them have a migraine?  How will I handle it (specifically: which medicines, do I need to call a doctor, can we handle it at home today, do I have the right medical excuse for school, have I let them sleep enough, did I wake them before they slept too much)?  Will Thing 2 refuse to go to school today?  Will today be the day that triggers a court proceeding?  If so, what will the punishment be?  Will I lose custody?  Is that the right choice? Would he do better with his dad for a while?  If he has to deal with juvenile detention, will they handle his migraines?  Can I still take him for the rest of his testing?  Will Thing 1 be depressed?  Is she going to hurt herself?  Will she actually tell me if she has that thought again?  Did I make the right choice to push whichever kid to go do whatever thing?  Did I make the right choice to allow whichever kid to stay home?  Then we get to a weekend and then I am thinking about Thing 2 and how he keeps refusing to go to his dad's house... I wish he would go so I could stop worrying about him for a weekend, but then I worry about why he won't go... I think about all of the energy I'm going to spend to TRY and get him to go and it will probably be for nothing, so I am starting to dread those Fridays - I know I'll spend all my time with Thing 2 reminding him about his dad's, then the entire evening working to get him to leave and arguing and coaxing.

When I have a some quiet time to myself like I do right now, I just sit and wonder what I've forgotten to do.  Did I get the school absences excused?  Did I call to make all the appointments? 

I also sit and try to figure out how to get Thing 1 and Thing 2 back into any sort of routines.

Can I get Thing 2 to volunteer somewhere?  He's literally down to 1 friend in real life.  He says he has friends online but I don't really know - are they real friends?  I just don't understand how that works. 

Thing 1 has been hesitant to go to any of her activities and I need to encourage her as well.

Where does that leave me?  I have been neglecting all but my very closest people.  I am lonely, but I also have almost no energy left for anyone.  It's so hard to explain to anyone why I'm hard to reach, why I don't have anything to talk about, yet I'm so intensely busy. 

Mr. P has been traveling a lot for work so I'm not sure he's even up to date on all that's going on.  I'm thankful for text so I can tell him a few things here and there.

Right now due to the dogs and the kids, I cannot imagine leaving the house for more than a couple hours.

I try to imagine how there is going to be a day in the future where this is going to seem like a blip on the radar.  I keep telling myself that no one is dying or dead, no one is in jail or prison, no one is pregnant.  <yet?>  This too shall pass.

Ultimately, I didn't break anything.  These things happened.  We have to face them head on, but I can't control most of it.  I can control how I react, which is what I'm trying really hard to do.  On Friday, I went to both kids and said that no one was spending the day in bed.  I took their phones.  I made them get up.  Thing 2 went to school.  It was really hard for him.  I had to have a lot of patience (45 minutes in the parking lot worth).  Thing 1 asked to go and visit her little cousin which helped her spirits.  Today I looked Thing 1 in the eyes and reminded her she COULD make it to school, and reminded her of her safe places at school. 

I have to keep reminding myself, that even though I have migraines and anxiety and depression, I didn't break my kids. 

I need to stop living in guilt.  I need to let go of anger.  I need to also stop trying to protect everyone in the house.  People that live here are actually all choosing to be here, living with me.  Honestly, every single person here has options.  Mr. P chose this life.  Eyes wide open.  The kids have another parent.  Thing 2 could go there on a regular basis and doesn't.  Thing 1 can drive and could leave this house more often and doesn't. 

It's really hard for me to not work as I've been the primary income earner, mostly the ONLY income earner for the kids and I our entire lives together.  I'm having a really hard time calming down and truly believing that we won't "starve".  Logically, I know we won't. Emotionally, I don't believe it. 

"If I broke it, then I can fix it" is so selfish.  I need to truly practice what I preach about mental health, about migraines, about trusting people in our lives to help us. 

Sharing this is going to be a big step towards that trust.

Roberta Rawson Cato Reid "Bobbie" by Annette Reid Crump

Roberta Rawson Cato Reid 

"Bobbie" 

March 3, 2017

by Annette Reid Crump

I wanted to tell you all a little bit more about my mom.  (There are so many things, but I'll pick a few) To me, she was the first feminist I ever knew. If women hadn't been given the right to vote with the ratification of the 19th amendment 11 months before my mother was born, I'm pretty sure she would have pushed it through herself. She was the oldest of 4 children, her father hoping for a boy, he named her Roberta instead of Robert after him.  She went hunting with her father, and she kept a hunting rifle in our house. She wanted to be an architect although college was out of reach. She was a musician, learning violin and piano in high school, and she added string bass to that collection when I was little. She was a city girl, growing up in Detroit, and held several jobs in the city of Detroit. 

At the age of 21, my mom enlisted in the WAAC soon after its inception in 1942 to aid the WWII effort. In 1943 it became WAC. She liked the new uniforms better. Take a moment and think what it was like to be the first American women ever (outside of nurses) to serve in the army. Society wasn't ready. Servicemen weren't particularly thrilled by it. Her sisters didn't enlist. But she joined the ranks of 150,000 brave American women who faced opposition and forged a new path. She earned the rank of sergeant. She served until the war ended in 1945, and returned to civilian life. A few years ago my sister and I took our mom to Washington DC to visit the Women in Military Service Memorial which was really special. And yesterday the military honored her at her burial with the color guard and a 21 gun salute.

Mom dated an air force pilot in the service and he taught her how to fly. She jointly owned a plane with other ex-service members after the war in Detroit and she flew up and down the state of Michigan. We still have her flight logs.

When she finally met my dad, they married and started a family and she gave up flying.

She ran our household. She was an accomplished home decorator. We moved to Cleveland when I was three and she finally got to design a house for us. I always felt sad for her that my dad changed jobs before we could move into her creation, and we came back to Newark.

She supported my dad's love of theatre and performed just about every backstage job there was, from sewing costumes to doing props and holding book and running the box office and playing in the orchestra. 

It seemed she could do anything she wanted. She was all about the family but she was very strong and independent. And she made me feel like I could do anything too. She taught me how to stand up for myself. And she nudged me out of the nest and taught me how to fly solo. She was always there for guidance and advice, or to provide a listening ear and understanding.

When she was turning 85, not long after my dad passed, I asked her what she still wanted to do that she hadn't yet done. She said she wanted to fly in a helicopter. She came to visit us in LA the following year and we surprised her with a charter helicopter tour of Los Angeles. We got to the Van Nuys airport and met our pilot. While we waited for refueling my mom and the pilot got to talking about flying, what kinds of planes, comparing notes and such. Turns out he was also an instructor and he asked my mom to sit up front with him, in the student pilot seat. The plane had dual controls. Chris and I sat in the back. 

We took off and headed toward the Pacific coastline and once we got over the Santa Monica mountains the pilot let my mom take the controls and he coached her while she flew most of the way to Malibu. She wasn't afraid even though she hadn't flown for decades. She was thrilled. He took over before we got to the coast but he continued the tour especially for her, and our hour turned into 90 minutes because the two of them were having so much fun. At 86. She smiled ear to ear for days. 

Most folks don't get to keep their mother on earth as long as we did. There were times we thought she would outlive us all.  But as I now have a chance to reflect back on a life well-lived, I also see all the many ways she shaped me. We were truly blessed.

Pain

I have been dealing with lower back pain (this episode) since Christmas Eve. That puts me at about 6 weeks. 

I just looked up the definition of "chronic pain". According to the National Institutes of Health (NIH), "Chronic pain is often defined as any pain lasting more than 12 weeks".  According to WebMD, it is "pain that lasts longer than six months". 

I am only halfway there based on one of the definitions. I cannot imagine continuing with pain like this for another 6 weeks, for 6+ months, for more than a year. I am sure I felt like this with my back pain last time too. 

Pain takes up a portion of the brain and never lets it go.  It is a constant annoying distraction. While watching the super bowl last night, my mom was distracted by a sound of a fan or many fans yelling "woo woo" at the same tone over and over. The sound became all she could hear over everything else and she wanted to "punch the fan in the face". Constant pain is like that. It sometimes becomes so loud and annoying that it overtakes all the other inputs and I want to punch it in the face. 

Sometimes my pain is more under control, better managed. I have a combination of things that help. Physical therapy, rest, pain medication, lying in the right position, using my electro therapy unit. There are also things that make it worse. Driving, sitting make it much worse. 

With the pain medicine, full pills control the pain better but make me a little drowsy. Half pills don't make me drowsy, but leave more lingering pain and therefore more distraction. 

Last week I had two busy days in a row - lots of driving and standing.  After those two days, my pain was out of control for several days after, even with full doses of pain medicine. I had to spend an entire weekend at home with no driving and no activities to get things back under control. 

Living with this pain and not yet having a plan in place to get rid of it, means I can't plan life. I can't make plans with friends. I can't accept invitations from others. I can't commit to any plans in the next couple months. Some days I am lonely from being at home controlling the pain. Some days the pain makes it so I don't want to deal with people. 

Today the pain was more under control- after a weekend of rest and this morning's physical therapy session. I was hesitant to do anything - even work much- because I didn't want to trigger the stronger pain. I wanted the pain to stay lower. It took so much to get it lower, it makes me fearful of setting it off again. 

I took a full pain pill and now I am drowsy this afternoon. I am behind on my work and feel guilty. It's a constant battle going on in my head. What "should" I be doing? Should I push myself more?

I start to wonder about my pain. What if someone else had this same level of pain? Would it bother them as much as me? More? Less? Am I being weak by not being able to keep up with all my activities? I know these thoughts aren't healthy, but they creep in now and then. 

I am sure those closest to me are tired of hearing me complain. I am tired of complaining. 

I want to punch pain in the face. 

Time for Rest

This afternoon I am allowing myself some rest time. Yesterday I battled a migraine. I went into work for a little while - in person, then did additional work from home. At some point I was so exhausted and sore I just had to stop and lie down for a while. I had kid chauffeuring to do and needed a break between. 

Today I had physical therapy. We tried traction. I think it helped, but I couldn't make it the 10 minutes we had planned. It started to get sore. After that they did ultrasound and massage. 

Since I got home, I am taking a break. A time out. My body feels sort of like "jello". I feel like I could very easily undo any good that I did in physical therapy. 

Oh, I also tripped over one of the cats today. I "almost" fell - which I think sometimes feels worse. I don't think that did me any good. "Boy cat" (we have one of each, boy and girl) was hanging out in my home office. He likes to stay close while I am working. I didn't know he was lying by my feet and when I turned to walk out he was here. It could have been worse...

Taking time to heal and relax, when there are so many other things I "should" be doing is so hard. I try not to feel guilty. I can't do anything properly until I am better. I have to put on my oxygen mask first. 

I am having a MRI if my back done on Saturday morning. 

Latest Updates on my Family:

>Thing 2 is doing well - healing and pain free after his arm surgery. We go next week to see the surgeon for a checkup. 

>My friend has her port in and starts chemo tomorrow (Thurs)

>Grandma has moved into a physical rehab facility where she will stay and heal for 8-12 weeks. They are taking great care of her so far. 

>Mom's surgery to remove the breast cancer is next week (Wednesday) - they will remove a lymph node for pathology. I am so thankful that her sister, my aunt, will be flying in for a week to be there. 

Sometimes you're the bug...

This week I've been feeling like the bug.  I've been fighting to stay optimistic.  I'm a glass half full girl.  Life is good.  When I sit calmly and use my logical brain, I know that I can get through this and it will all be OK.  Each thing going on is manageable.  The worst of it isn't mine to bear, but as my favorite guy has nicknamed me Deanna Troi (Star Trek reference if you don't know it), I absorb all the emotions of those around me, those close to me and have trouble separating them from those of my own.  My favorite guy needs a name for my blog.  I'm going to call him "Mr. Data" now.

So many medical issues. Where do I start?

THING 2 ARM SURGERY

Thing 2 had surgery this week.  He's fine.  He's recovering well.  He broke his arm, the surgery put him back together with some hardware so he can heal properly.  His pain is under control; he is back to school; he is doing really well.  But wow.  The stress of your kiddo going under anesthesia and needing surgery!  It's just made this week so crazy.

We even got x-rays to bring home of his fancy new hardware.

MY BACK ISSUES... BACK PAIN IS BACK

Then there is me.  My back.  Just under two years ago I had back surgery.  On Christmas Eve that just passed, I did something to my back again - I don't have a good story.  I have been thinking of making one up.  :)  But I was putting away dishes.  Mr. Data was helping with dishes and cooking chili.  I had a tupperware lid - I think I dropped it and bent over to get it.  Then POP!  And from then on, I was in pain.  Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were pretty horrible.  

I started rotating through all the things I knew from previous issues.  Icing, heating, stretching.  I bought a portable "TENS" type unit in the pharmacy section of the store to use electrical stimulation which always felt good at physical therapy.

Mr. Data and I made a delayed, shortened trip to Ohio to visit his family.  After the holidays, and days of taking it easy with my back, I was back to work.  I think sitting for work made my back worse again (after some improvement), so finally by the end of the first work week in January, I called to get an appointment with my primary care physician.  Of course this was the same week that we found out that Thing 2 needed surgery...

I made the appointment for the day after Thing 2 had surgery, as one person can't be everywhere at once.  The day of Thing 2's surgery was so very uncomfortable.  I stood or paced in the waiting room all day.  

At my primary care physician appointment, we decided on starting a steroid regiment, pain medicine, and physical therapy.  I started physical therapy on Wednesday.  I am back to the Physical Therapist that I saw 2 years ago when I had back issues.  She's great.  She's being very gentle.  She has assigned me "homework" that includes my lying on my belly with pillows on a bed every ~2 hours, so it's hard to work from anywhere else from home.  I went again on Friday and we decided to continue more of the same.  I go again M-W-F next week.  I'm supposed to limit lifting and not sit too long.

Today (Saturday) I went in for an x-ray.  It's on the path to getting an MRI. If the x-ray doesn't show anything, if PT doesn't help, then MRI is the next step.  Since I've already had a surgical history, my doctor is getting the x-ray done as part of the process.

MY MOM HAS CANCER AGAIN

My mom is a fighter.  Ovarian cancer in Spring 2010; breast cancer in Late Winter 2014.  Now breast cancer again.  It was diagnosed early due to how closely she is watched.  A spot was found and will be treated with a lumpectomy (surgery), followed by radition.  She will find out the details of when next week.  

MY DEAR FRIEND HAS HAD A RETURN OF CERVICAL CANCER

A close friend of mine was diagonosed with cervical cancer in late 2009 and had surgery to remove it at the start of 2010.  Now 5 years later, thanks to an unrelated scan, doctors found that she had enlarged lymph nodes, which led to pathology determining that cervical cancer had returned and entered her lymph system.  She starts chemotherapy next week to fight back.

MY NONAGENARIAN GRANDMA IS A FIGHTER

My grandma is 94, will be 95 this summer.  She's an amazing lady.  She made it through a case of pneumonia between Thanksgiving and Christmas that had her hospitalized.  Then they found something in her lung that they didn't thing was pneumonia at a follow up x-ray, sent her for CT scan, but determined it was actually still some pneumonia (which was actually a relief).  While waiting for CT scan results, Grandma got disoriented when she got out of bed and fell.  The ambulance was called.  Grandma fractured her pelvis.  She will be in the hospital for a few days, then has recovery ahead of her.

MY SISTER-IN-LAW'S MOM HAS ALZHEIMER'S

She's only in her mid-60s.  It started with irregularites in her financial dealings.  Then moved to a 3 AM call to my sister-in-law that she had been driving, was lost, and out of gas.  Multiple doctors' appointments have confirmed the diagnosis.  She is living with my brother and sister-in-law much of the time.  They are working through the details of her home and pets... making decisions about daily care.  It's so heartbreaking.

*******************************************

I don't have a lot of wisdom for today.  I just don't have the energy.  I am thankful for the medical advances that we have made, for all the treatment options available today.  For the amazing medical professionals who touch our lives.  

Please pray for all of these amazing women and my little man.  

Finding HIM in our December Panic

Anyone else already have a little bit of "December panic"?  I had to just take a moment at my desk and breathe.  Funny how we turn a month of celebrating our Savior's birth and giving to others into something that can breed panic in all of us!  Thing 1 has a play next week.  I'm so proud of her, and she's having a blast... but 5 performances next week in the midst of a crazy week at work, plus she has solo & ensemble contest for band. And oh! a talent show coming up that she just auditioned for.  Thing 2 has basketball, and jump rope club, and science club - which aren't much but just this next week... might just throw me over the edge.  I have referred to being Supermom before, but really, someone get me a cape for the next couple weeks!

I haven't blogged for a while, so throw this all in with other life - Mr R. and I are ending our marriage.  That is not the point of this blog, but it affects my state of mind.  I am determined to stay a part of Mr. T's life.

So you throw in all of that (on a good note, I am in a much better place than I have been for a while - the kids and I moved in with my brother and niece... they are going to need names... I'll have to ponder that) and life is good, it really is.  But I look ahead at that BIG day - Christmas - it's coming behind all of this craziness.  There are expectations, and shopping, and things that require money, which honestly is a little hard to come by right now...

As I took a moment to just breathe sitting here at my desk this morning when I should be working, but instead I am just trying to calm down and focus.  This came to mind.

It is SO true as long as we take the time to remember it... and LIVE it... and keep our priorities straight.  What is the reason for the season?  Keep remembering that.  

This morning when I got to work, I saw a coworker who has been obviously stressed this week.  I stopped and took the time to listen, and think about how I could be a blessing to her today.  She needed french vanilla creamer.  THAT is something I could do.  I couldn't fix the stress of the job or all the things that she is feeling, but I could do that.  What could you do to be a blessing for someone else.  And then I also decided since I still wasn't calming down, that I was going to write - because maybe someone else needed to read this today.

Then this came to mind.

Be still.  Find a moment, or several minutes, or an hour.  And just be.  Listen to HIM. What is HE saying to you.  And just calm down in all of this "hustle and bustle".

For the first time, I'm feeling led to end my blog with a prayer.  May all of my words be a blessing to you today.

Dear Lord, I know I can never be a Supermom, but I can be the best mom, and woman that YOU made me to be.  In order to do that I need to take care of ME, YOUR creation.  Help me to find ways and help me to take time to do that and not let the world control me.  The birth of Your Son is coming!  What a celebration!  Let me not forget THAT is why this is a month of joy and love.  Not because we are busy and buy presents.  In His Name.  Amen.

Mommy Brain

I would dance and be merry

Life would be a ding-a-derry

If I only had a brain

I am so relieved that it's the weekend.  I haven't been so ready for the weekend in quite a while.  Especially a weekend that I don't have my kids.  I have been in a job for the last 2 1/2 months now that I really truly enjoy; a job that is fulfilling and rewarding.  

Why was I so ready for this weekend?  

This last week my mind was a complete jumbled mess!!  I felt frazzled, unfocused.  I felt like I was forgetting something; like I was late for something, even if I wasn't.

How did this happen?  One big reason... school started!  

No surprise here, right?  This is what happens in Michigan the day after Labor Day.  I am mother to a 12 year old and a 9 year old.  Thing 1 is going into 7th and Thing 2 into 4th grade.  Even my step-son, Mr. T decided to head back into college.  Back to school is a time for celebration for parents, right?  No more bored kids; back to the routine of school.  

However, I have this theory about "mommy brain". This may apply to daddies too.  

From the moment you become a mom, you have complete and total responsibility for another human life.  Suddenly part of your brain now switches over to only thinking about that other little human.  That brain power is no longer available for anything else.  When Thing 1 was an infant, the thoughts were about feedings and diapers and growing and "is she still breathing in the night?".  Now that Thing 1 is in middle school, the thoughts change to concerns about how she is interacting in the world and how others are interacting with her - and "is she safe?" - not to mention less life altering, but still important concerns about school supplies and activities and pick ups...  then similar concerns are swirling about Thing 2.  Not to mention what is going on in my brain about Mr T starting back to college.

Think about it like a computer.  Have you every had a computer running really slow, and then you find out that you have a program running in the background that you didn't need?  If you could shut down that background program, the computer would run faster and more efficiently.  In the case of mommy brain, I know no way of shutting down that background program.  It is a mom's brain thinking about her children.  

So back to my week.  

It was only a four day week.  Somehow I think that there were 5 days of meetings jammed into those 4 days.  My work days were non stop.  No breathing room.  I felt like I was running late for everything, even when I wasn't.  Plus, it was the last week for my summer intern.  I had to make sure all his projects were handed off, that I finished his performance review and delivered it, that he had all the help he needed for his final presentations.

And school started!  So now the mommy brain kicked in in like crazy along with my busy work week.  Did I get all their school supplies?  Did Thing 1 make it to the bus?  Did Thing 2 look both ways crossing all the streets on his bike?  Are they both being respectful? Are they making friends and finding friends from before?  Is Thing 1 finding her classes?  Did they make it home from school OK? What extra-curricular activities should they be doing?  Do they start this week? 

The good news is that this school year will become routine just like years past.  The chaos of my mommy brain will calm down.  Not every week at work will be as busy.  

So I take this weekend to recharge and rest.  To make some time for me.  And Monday?  I will start again.