Pain

I have been dealing with lower back pain (this episode) since Christmas Eve. That puts me at about 6 weeks. 

I just looked up the definition of "chronic pain". According to the National Institutes of Health (NIH), "Chronic pain is often defined as any pain lasting more than 12 weeks".  According to WebMD, it is "pain that lasts longer than six months". 

I am only halfway there based on one of the definitions. I cannot imagine continuing with pain like this for another 6 weeks, for 6+ months, for more than a year. I am sure I felt like this with my back pain last time too. 

Pain takes up a portion of the brain and never lets it go.  It is a constant annoying distraction. While watching the super bowl last night, my mom was distracted by a sound of a fan or many fans yelling "woo woo" at the same tone over and over. The sound became all she could hear over everything else and she wanted to "punch the fan in the face". Constant pain is like that. It sometimes becomes so loud and annoying that it overtakes all the other inputs and I want to punch it in the face. 

Sometimes my pain is more under control, better managed. I have a combination of things that help. Physical therapy, rest, pain medication, lying in the right position, using my electro therapy unit. There are also things that make it worse. Driving, sitting make it much worse. 

With the pain medicine, full pills control the pain better but make me a little drowsy. Half pills don't make me drowsy, but leave more lingering pain and therefore more distraction. 

Last week I had two busy days in a row - lots of driving and standing.  After those two days, my pain was out of control for several days after, even with full doses of pain medicine. I had to spend an entire weekend at home with no driving and no activities to get things back under control. 

Living with this pain and not yet having a plan in place to get rid of it, means I can't plan life. I can't make plans with friends. I can't accept invitations from others. I can't commit to any plans in the next couple months. Some days I am lonely from being at home controlling the pain. Some days the pain makes it so I don't want to deal with people. 

Today the pain was more under control- after a weekend of rest and this morning's physical therapy session. I was hesitant to do anything - even work much- because I didn't want to trigger the stronger pain. I wanted the pain to stay lower. It took so much to get it lower, it makes me fearful of setting it off again. 

I took a full pain pill and now I am drowsy this afternoon. I am behind on my work and feel guilty. It's a constant battle going on in my head. What "should" I be doing? Should I push myself more?

I start to wonder about my pain. What if someone else had this same level of pain? Would it bother them as much as me? More? Less? Am I being weak by not being able to keep up with all my activities? I know these thoughts aren't healthy, but they creep in now and then. 

I am sure those closest to me are tired of hearing me complain. I am tired of complaining. 

I want to punch pain in the face. 

Time for Rest

This afternoon I am allowing myself some rest time. Yesterday I battled a migraine. I went into work for a little while - in person, then did additional work from home. At some point I was so exhausted and sore I just had to stop and lie down for a while. I had kid chauffeuring to do and needed a break between. 

Today I had physical therapy. We tried traction. I think it helped, but I couldn't make it the 10 minutes we had planned. It started to get sore. After that they did ultrasound and massage. 

Since I got home, I am taking a break. A time out. My body feels sort of like "jello". I feel like I could very easily undo any good that I did in physical therapy. 

Oh, I also tripped over one of the cats today. I "almost" fell - which I think sometimes feels worse. I don't think that did me any good. "Boy cat" (we have one of each, boy and girl) was hanging out in my home office. He likes to stay close while I am working. I didn't know he was lying by my feet and when I turned to walk out he was here. It could have been worse...

Taking time to heal and relax, when there are so many other things I "should" be doing is so hard. I try not to feel guilty. I can't do anything properly until I am better. I have to put on my oxygen mask first. 

I am having a MRI if my back done on Saturday morning. 

Latest Updates on my Family:

>Thing 2 is doing well - healing and pain free after his arm surgery. We go next week to see the surgeon for a checkup. 

>My friend has her port in and starts chemo tomorrow (Thurs)

>Grandma has moved into a physical rehab facility where she will stay and heal for 8-12 weeks. They are taking great care of her so far. 

>Mom's surgery to remove the breast cancer is next week (Wednesday) - they will remove a lymph node for pathology. I am so thankful that her sister, my aunt, will be flying in for a week to be there. 

Sometimes you're the bug...

This week I've been feeling like the bug.  I've been fighting to stay optimistic.  I'm a glass half full girl.  Life is good.  When I sit calmly and use my logical brain, I know that I can get through this and it will all be OK.  Each thing going on is manageable.  The worst of it isn't mine to bear, but as my favorite guy has nicknamed me Deanna Troi (Star Trek reference if you don't know it), I absorb all the emotions of those around me, those close to me and have trouble separating them from those of my own.  My favorite guy needs a name for my blog.  I'm going to call him "Mr. Data" now.

So many medical issues. Where do I start?

THING 2 ARM SURGERY

Thing 2 had surgery this week.  He's fine.  He's recovering well.  He broke his arm, the surgery put him back together with some hardware so he can heal properly.  His pain is under control; he is back to school; he is doing really well.  But wow.  The stress of your kiddo going under anesthesia and needing surgery!  It's just made this week so crazy.

We even got x-rays to bring home of his fancy new hardware.

MY BACK ISSUES... BACK PAIN IS BACK

Then there is me.  My back.  Just under two years ago I had back surgery.  On Christmas Eve that just passed, I did something to my back again - I don't have a good story.  I have been thinking of making one up.  :)  But I was putting away dishes.  Mr. Data was helping with dishes and cooking chili.  I had a tupperware lid - I think I dropped it and bent over to get it.  Then POP!  And from then on, I was in pain.  Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were pretty horrible.  

I started rotating through all the things I knew from previous issues.  Icing, heating, stretching.  I bought a portable "TENS" type unit in the pharmacy section of the store to use electrical stimulation which always felt good at physical therapy.

Mr. Data and I made a delayed, shortened trip to Ohio to visit his family.  After the holidays, and days of taking it easy with my back, I was back to work.  I think sitting for work made my back worse again (after some improvement), so finally by the end of the first work week in January, I called to get an appointment with my primary care physician.  Of course this was the same week that we found out that Thing 2 needed surgery...

I made the appointment for the day after Thing 2 had surgery, as one person can't be everywhere at once.  The day of Thing 2's surgery was so very uncomfortable.  I stood or paced in the waiting room all day.  

At my primary care physician appointment, we decided on starting a steroid regiment, pain medicine, and physical therapy.  I started physical therapy on Wednesday.  I am back to the Physical Therapist that I saw 2 years ago when I had back issues.  She's great.  She's being very gentle.  She has assigned me "homework" that includes my lying on my belly with pillows on a bed every ~2 hours, so it's hard to work from anywhere else from home.  I went again on Friday and we decided to continue more of the same.  I go again M-W-F next week.  I'm supposed to limit lifting and not sit too long.

Today (Saturday) I went in for an x-ray.  It's on the path to getting an MRI. If the x-ray doesn't show anything, if PT doesn't help, then MRI is the next step.  Since I've already had a surgical history, my doctor is getting the x-ray done as part of the process.

MY MOM HAS CANCER AGAIN

My mom is a fighter.  Ovarian cancer in Spring 2010; breast cancer in Late Winter 2014.  Now breast cancer again.  It was diagnosed early due to how closely she is watched.  A spot was found and will be treated with a lumpectomy (surgery), followed by radition.  She will find out the details of when next week.  

MY DEAR FRIEND HAS HAD A RETURN OF CERVICAL CANCER

A close friend of mine was diagonosed with cervical cancer in late 2009 and had surgery to remove it at the start of 2010.  Now 5 years later, thanks to an unrelated scan, doctors found that she had enlarged lymph nodes, which led to pathology determining that cervical cancer had returned and entered her lymph system.  She starts chemotherapy next week to fight back.

MY NONAGENARIAN GRANDMA IS A FIGHTER

My grandma is 94, will be 95 this summer.  She's an amazing lady.  She made it through a case of pneumonia between Thanksgiving and Christmas that had her hospitalized.  Then they found something in her lung that they didn't thing was pneumonia at a follow up x-ray, sent her for CT scan, but determined it was actually still some pneumonia (which was actually a relief).  While waiting for CT scan results, Grandma got disoriented when she got out of bed and fell.  The ambulance was called.  Grandma fractured her pelvis.  She will be in the hospital for a few days, then has recovery ahead of her.

MY SISTER-IN-LAW'S MOM HAS ALZHEIMER'S

She's only in her mid-60s.  It started with irregularites in her financial dealings.  Then moved to a 3 AM call to my sister-in-law that she had been driving, was lost, and out of gas.  Multiple doctors' appointments have confirmed the diagnosis.  She is living with my brother and sister-in-law much of the time.  They are working through the details of her home and pets... making decisions about daily care.  It's so heartbreaking.

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I don't have a lot of wisdom for today.  I just don't have the energy.  I am thankful for the medical advances that we have made, for all the treatment options available today.  For the amazing medical professionals who touch our lives.  

Please pray for all of these amazing women and my little man.